


Worst Boyfriend Ever

by megyal



Category: Naruto
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-07
Updated: 2010-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-12 03:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for <a href="http://canadasuperhero.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://canadasuperhero.livejournal.com/"></a><strong>canadasuperhero</strong>, who basically owns this idea. Oh Ray.</p>
<p>Translated into German by <a href="http://www.fanfiktion.de/u/Bakura-san">Bakura-san</a>, <a href="http://www.fanfiktion.de/s/54133c9c0000a0f916c94cab/1/Worst-Boyfriend-Ever"><b>HERE</b></a>.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Worst Boyfriend Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://canadasuperhero.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://canadasuperhero.livejournal.com/)**canadasuperhero** , who basically owns this idea. Oh Ray.
> 
> Translated into German by [Bakura-san](http://www.fanfiktion.de/u/Bakura-san), [**HERE**](http://www.fanfiktion.de/s/54133c9c0000a0f916c94cab/1/Worst-Boyfriend-Ever).

Iruka has had four relationships so far. His first was with Kofuyu before he was a pre-genin, because she said she should be the mommy and he would be the daddy and it lasted for about four hours.

His second was with a quiet, slender civilian named Sugi when he was fifteen, and that one went on for nearly a year, until her father found out and forbade the relationship because being with a young shinobi was far too dangerous. He still saw her around the village, and they were on good speaking terms. One of her children would be in his class next year, hopefully.

His third, when he was still redefining his sexuality, was with Mizuki. Contrary to popular belief, Mizuki had not been a bad boyfriend at all. He had been attentive and sweet, and even when they'd broken up, they'd remained close friends.

Then he'd started to make Iruka's life a living hell, but that was _after_ , so Iruka still counted their intimate relationship as a good one.

And now... Kakashi.

Iruka still isn't sure how that one happened. One week, he was conversing with Kakashi regularly, because, well, they were connected through Naruto and by the next week, the rumour was all over the village that they were seeing each other.

"We might as well," Kakashi had yelled down at him from a random roof when Iruka was bemusedly making his way home; all day, everyone had been either congratulating him (with 'poor thing' expressions on their faces) or trying to drag him off to see the psyche-nin.

"We might as well what?" Iruka shouted in reply.

"Be a couple," Kakashi said and then tilted his head as if he was using the word 'couple' for the first time. "I suppose."

Iruka blinked up at him. He must have been addled in the head, because this single life-changing word escaped his lips: "Okay."

The thing was, Kakashi wasn't a bad boyfriend. He was a _horrible_ boyfriend. He drove Iruka up the wall with his nonsensical logic and his constant lateness, and it was nice he was such an avid reader, but...but... all that smut couldn't be good for one person, could it?

"Iruka," Kakashi would say solemnly, "I need to read this to know how to make your body respond to mine."

"You've been reading all that from before you even knew I existed," Iruka told him through gritted teeth. "And you're not exactly making any moves on me, are you? Let me have a look at what you have there."

Kakashi would give him a wounded look and not share any _Icha Icha_ at all.

"You can't hurry love, Iruka!" he would warble and Iruka would bang his head on the nearest flat surface. Yes, Kakashi was exceedingly odd. He didn't touch Iruka for two months after the start of their purported relationship, and when he did, it had been a hard kiss in the darkened entry of Iruka's flat; he would have cut that off far too soon, if Iruka hadn't grasped the front of his flak-jacket and kept on kissing him thoroughly.

Kakashi went around for days informing random individuals that Iruka-sensei's nickname was 'Hot Lips'.

Awful boyfriend. A veritable disaster.

Sometimes he would set his dogs on Iruka's trail anytime Iruka spoke too often or too warmly about a colleague or acquaintance. The dogs kept within five paces of Iruka for hours at a time and refused to respond to any of Iruka's questions.

"Are you _trying_ to kill me through stress?!" Iruka would yell at Kakashi when he got home. "Stop telling your ninken to stalk me!"

"It's not stalking," Kakashi informed him. "It's constant surveillance. Aren't you a teacher? Don't you know these things?"

"Also, stop sending panties and condoms to me when I'm at the Mission Desk," Iruka said and started to hurl shuriken at him out of sheer annoyance. "The flowers are okay, but seriously, I'm going to kill you."

"Love," Kakashi sighed happily as he dodged the barrage of weaponry Iruka flung at him. "A many-splendoured thing."

The absolute worst part was when, in the first week of their exceedingly awkward dating, Iruka had let slip that apart from the Sandaime, Ibiki was a strong father-figure in his life. A few days after that, Ibiki had sought him out with an amused expression on his normally stoic face.

"Your boyfriend told me that I, your surrogate father, shouldn't worry about you," Ibiki said. "That no matter how much he sullies your person, you will still get treated like the sweet virginal lily you are."

"I'm going to kill him," Iruka said with a stolid calm.

"He was serious, I think. How long do you think you two will last?" Ibiki asked, whipping out a small notebook and a pen. "Three weeks? Three more days?"

"I really don't know... why?"

"T&I and ANBU have this bet going," Ibiki said, licking a thumb to turn the page. "ANBU says a fortnight. They know Kakashi pretty good, I guess. But T&I's been calculating your temper in conjunction with your stubbornness and all the charts are predicting a high likelihood of you trying to strangle him in about nine hours."

Iruka thought about that, then asked, "What are the stakes like, Ibiki?" and threw in his own bet.

Even Naruto was affected by Kakashi's general aura of crazy. Iruka couldn't find him for ramen one weekend, and searched high and low until he found the bright-haired boy hiding atop the Hokage monument.

"It's Kaka-sensei," Naruto whispered. "He's... being all friendly with me! And nice!"

"Define 'nice'," Iruka urged as he tried to drag Naruto from behind an outcropping that was a part of the Nidaime's crazy hair; he had to peel Naruto's fingers from the rock. "Come on, be a big shinobi now."

"He hugs me! And checks my clothes for any rips! Today, he told me: 'good job, son'!" Naruto looked desperate. "It's a test of his, right? Like the bells? He even bought me ramen!"

"He's trying to show that he cares for you," Iruka said, but he was very uncertain. Who knew why Kakashi did _anything_? "I think he's doing it because of _me_ ," Iruka finished in wonder.

"He's freaking me out!" Naruto yelled, and grabbed handfuls of his hair. "Tell him to stop!"

"Please stop being so nice to Naruto," Iruka told Kakashi later. "You're making him think too much, and you know what happens when he thinks too much."

"Iruka, he's like your son," Kakashi said from where he was reading underneath the covers. "And technically, I'm his stepfather. I should take care of him."

"If you were his stepfather, we'd have to be married," Iruka said and Kakashi peeped out from the sheets. He was fully dressed underneath there, still in his fighting gear. Crazy jounin. "You don't know how to take care of individual human beings, though. Just stick to trying to keep the whole village intact, and I'll deal with the day to day stuff."

"This is why we're so perfect together," Kakashi crooned. "I'm going to send you edible undies tomorrow."

"I'll kill you," Iruka swore, but there was little heat in the promise.

Before he knew it, three years had passed, his students were now used to seeing Sharingan no Kakashi pop in randomly, and didn't run around trying to hide Iruka-sensei from the crazy man with the crazy hair. Three years, and he was getting used to Kakashi acting even more erratic when he returned from missions; the trick was to treat him quite normally, until the brittle energy seeped away.

On the eve of their fourth anniversary, Iruka gathered his winnings from ANBU and T&I with a massive smile and used some of it to buy Kakashi a new katana.

"Nice," Kakashi said, reading the inscription on the handle: _to kakashi from iruka. if you get killed then make sure it's by me._ He batted his eyelashes at Iruka. "Does this mean I'm the best you ever had?"

"Not even close," Iruka said, "but you'll do."

_fin_


End file.
